My Peace has been Disturbed.....

and I HATE THAT!!!!

Got some shit I need to sort out obviously....

But on top of that I hate going away from home!!!  Just thinking about it depresses me :(  Don't get me wrong, once I'm actually driving out the driveway and on my way to where ever it may be all is fine and dandy, animals are sorted so they are completely and utterly out of sight, out of mind, and I love the entire time away, but dear god, the lead up to leaving sends me into a funk big time!  Just want to curl up in bed and not get out till it's too late to go and I might as well just stay at home.  Stupid I know, but doesn't stop it being like that!  And even more stupid cause I know every single time I'll have a ball once I actually leave!

Picked up the ute today... a tad disappointed that it isn't quite as "tidy" as I had assumed it would be due to it's age/mileage/price, had "assumed" coming from a dealer with that price tag on it that they would have tidied it up a lot more than they did.... oh well, it goes well, it's a nice ute and it's not like I bloody look after my vehicles anyway so meh, stiff shit I guess LOL.

That's all... just moping... frustrated, not sure what to do, and tired as hell....

Stupid shit that I just needed to get out of my head somewhere.... forces me to start addressing it properly :) 

Merry Christmas and all that....

All done and dusted for another year.  Is rather anti-climactic here with just me and the boy and no Santa involved anymore, no family to visit, was thinking next year we may enter the realms of "service" for Christmas, go help at the soup kitchen or (god bless FB and being able to share these ideas cause there is always gorgeous Brenna who's on the same wavelength but thinks outside the square I'm in) things I hadn't thought of, like the Women's Refuge house or the Salvation Army may know of some people in need.  I love giving at Xmas time, gives me the warm fuzzies, but I'm very aware of not being able to spoil the child so I just don't feel fulfilled at all now LOL.

But then we were surprised by a visit from a Nelsonian going for a Xmas day ride on the bike, shared our fruit salad and icecream and conversation well past midnight, and it was nice to not feel so isolated on what should be a day of sharing love and laughter.  Very cool.

Go to pick up the new ute tomorrow morning, and off to Golden Bay on Sunday.... will park up with the distant cousin I used to tease about being inbred before I knew we were related LOL.  Looking forward to just chilling away from home and giving Marcus someone to do something with and beaches right across the road.  Will feel like a good mummy :)

Wish I could pick up the phone and say Merry Christmas to mum :(  but will see her soon and as much as I shed some tears somedays with her, I will smile and laugh for her and make her do the same and watch her face light up, and remember how much I would recognise her laugh anywhere and remember the better times when I've heard it in the past.  I miss my mumma bear :(

Hope everyone out there is enjoying their down time, or their family time, or their friends time, or their introspection time, or their peaceful time.  Compliments of the season to you as my father would say :)

This Time of Year I Always Seem to Count my Blessings....

Way back in the depths of the black hole of a depression, in a relationship with a psychopath and only sleeping 4 hrs a night, I looked around for anything that might help me claw my way out of that hell (should have just dumped his ass 5 yrs sooner, would have been much easier, but no learning would have happened!) and up on my newsfeed on FB a friend was starting a 365 days of Gratitude challenge, and I said, yep, I'll do it.  I certainly needed to be able to change the way I was viewing everything and so every day I would post up one sometimes stupid measly thing that I was grateful for and believe me, some of them I struggled to get even the most pathetic thing to report!  But I did it and altho that was about 5 yrs ago now, it was the start of getting my head right, and with those small starts eventually the snow ball effect kicks in and things get better faster and when you're head is in a better place you can make the harder calls, like kicking idiots to touch and moving forward.

But now it's a lot more of a habit to think of, or give conscious mental time to things that I am grateful for.  I don't dwell on the shit things that come up.  Let them happen and wash on by, I honestly would struggle with telling of anything "negative" that happened in 2019, even tho of course, shit did happen!  But it was gone quickly, without lingering and so they are lost in the past.  But I do count my blessings, and as the years go by, those blessings are becoming more and more apparent, I wouldn't say "bigger" necessarily, but certainly there are things happening more and more frequently that make me think to myself "how lucky am I!!!"  Like my awesome neighbours and Hamish from up the road who came to help clean up trees with his tractor.  (Today he was out mowing his lawns so I sent Marcus out with some beers and choccy bickies for him and Marcus came back with the beers because apparently he doesn't drink!  So I'm guessing there is someone else yet to show some gratitude to with beers!  LOL)

Anywho... Xmas becomes that time when I look back at the year and reflect on everything that has been awesome over the year, and things that make me feel lucky, blessed, content, grateful, whatever you want to call it.

There have been times in life when everything has had to be fought for, when you feel like you're going against what the Universe must have planned for you, because shit, surely buying a property shouldn't be this hard!!!  etc etc, but you know what?  This last year, everything has just been falling into place, right down to the tiny little things, that may not seem like a big deal, but they are ALWAYS harder to fit into place than they have been just lately.  It's like all the hard work of getting the mental attitudes sorted are now paying the dividends.  And I guess watching mum rot away in a rest home with her brain disintegrating has made me appreciate a lot more than I ever did before.  Gone is the hoarding mentality that mum taught us so well, now it's LIVE!!!!  Work hard, but bloody well LIVE, you can't take money with you, word hard, play hard!!!!

And life is smoooooooooth, and I am grateful for every bloody thing in my life, and every person who has come into it.  I have fallen in love with my life and I intend to stay there.

Roll on 2020, looking forward to walking with ya xxx

Edit to add.... I go to my emails after posting this and there is a new Note From the Universe that has just arrived...

Life doesn't give folks a break. Nor does it test you. Nor is there any such thing as good luck, fate, or destiny.

On the other hand, Kelley-Anne, your thoughts become things. Which pretty much means you get to rule your world.

Better than winning the lottery, 

  The Universe

Just another LITTLE example of that syncronicity that is all around these days, but all those LITTLE things when viewed as a whole, shows life just flowing, head must finally be doing it right huh?!  :)  

Actually, it all reminds me of my tattoo on my wrist, Zen philosophy in Chinese Calligraphy, says Tao Tzu-yan Li, Tao Wu-Wei.  in it's simplest form it means the Way of Nature's Order, is the Way of Non-forced action... Go with the Flow Primo :) 

OK, Confession Time.....

I'm back on FB.....

Actually been back there for a few months.  But let me explain!!!!

Was at a motobike "thing" and happened upon my almost neighbour/friend Jim who was manning a stand for IAM and talking to a lady he knew about BACA (Bikers Against Child Abuse that we're trying to get the numbers here for to start a chapter) and I hear him say "I don't know whats happening with the BACA thing.  Here's Kelley-Anne, talk to her."  Well hell, when your 2IC is calling it a "thing" and doesn't know what's happening with it I figured it needed a driving force again and FB is the easiest way to get it out and seen for local bikers since I don't know any outside of Jim LOL.

So I wandered back over there again with only 40 biker friends and started pushing the BACA thing back into awareness, but you know what?  All my boys are dropping off in interest and I KNOW some of them just don't have the level of commitment required to make it fit around work and family :(  Which meant last week I looked seriously at just pulling the plug on FB again (and wouldn't have missed it at all!!!) but since I still sit on my ass on the computer watching TV on demand or playing patience or some other bloody time waster, I thought honestly to myself, why NOT FB?  Why not add my genuine friends again and actually engage with them and keep up with what they are all doing?  And if in there BACA actually comes to be, then so be it.

So added the first "other" friends to the list yesterday, only 4 of them so far LOL.  Still don't wanna be scrolling for hours just liking shit for other people, want it to be a tight circle of real friends in my life.

And already been offered a survey to take in my newsfeed!!!!  FB you and your surveys can fuck right off!!!  But that very real threat of me saying something they don't approve of and me disappearing again means that there is no way in hell I will be stopping my wee blog of my life outside of FB!!!

Not That I've Been Counting Down to This Moment or Anything......

but damn, I've been hanging out for this moment!!!!  Finished work for 5 gloriously long weeks!!!!

So for a catch up on whats happened in the last week....

Well I bought a Hilux ute because I hate tow wagons that I can't rely on and after putting a new battery in my bighorn I'm STILL having to jump start it and wanting to take it up North for 3 weeks, it didn't bode well for a stress free trip! That and the fact the auto trans is slipping in it quite badly and no time to sort it now!  So just a wee short term extension on the mortgage and welcome to the family baby!

I've bought us some bunk stretchers to go in the float to sleep on, resurrected all my old camping gear and figured out how to secure the float and the bike in it, so we can head up north, with the bike in the back of the float, have the float be tent/caravan and disappear for day trips or a bit longer on the bike (need that bike fix!!!!) and still be able to take 3 weeks worth of gear with us!

Still need a bit of stuff to set the float up better for proper stays in it, but good thing is the dog/s will be able to come with us for this plan one day too, particularly after the side car arrives so they don't have to stay at the camp site or driveway we park up in LOL.

Slept for NINE HOURS SOLID last night.... do you know how many years its been since I can claim to have done that????  Nearly 9 yrs ago I started sleeping only 4 hours a night and seriously, it really did nearly kill me... that and other shit going on pushed me into a deep hole of depression that sat me on my ass being such a positive person.  Never want to have to find that type of strength again thanks!  Took a couple of years to kick the 4 hour sleep pattern.... made it to 6 hours.... was enough to feel like heaven compared to the life on 4 hours!!!!  And now, FINALLY, with the help of turmeric, Magnesium and being fucking happy, I can sleep NORMALLY again.  Beyond thankful!!!!

And right now, the boy is at his dads for the weekend and I need to get into town for some last minute bits and pieces before Christmas :)

One Week of Work Left!!!!!

THANK GOD!!!!!!

And a few bonuses have happened too!  We had our work do yesterday and I got a certificate for "best ambassador" for the company or something like that, nice to be appreciated, and it came with a $100 Pak'nSave voucher too.  Nice :)

A fella has bought the 4.5 acres behind me (damn him, that was mine to buy!!! GRRRRRR) Anyway, he has a business Ezi-mow and I asked him if he could trim my wind break tree line (they look like pines, but they're not pines, I don't know what they are LOL, but they grow really fast and the neighbours mow up that side of the road for me just because they're freaking awesome neighbours, but the branches on these trees are sort of out of control now the trees are 15 yrs old and never been touched!) so Dusty from Ezi-mow said $300 just for pole saw and ladder and chainsaw which wouldn't get all the way to the top but thats fine, don't need it looking like a squared off hedge, and cheaper than the $1K that another neighbour recently paid for a squared off hedge look!!!!  So I said, yep get it done dude, and he whacked it out this morning, didn't need to go back with the ladder and saw so it's only cost me $140 instead!!!!  WOOHOOO!!!

I made a start on dragging some branches in off the road, cause there is 200m worth there, but the deal was Marcus earns some money by dragging it all in (he's still got a computer to pay off back to me and no job!) so when he got up finally and dared to ask if he could go on his computer it was a "not a chance boy!"  "shall I go and get some branches in?"  "Well that would be smart thinking!"  So he trundled off and 15 mins later I went to give him a bit of a hand and show him where to put the piles of branches and hey presto along comes a neighbour who has been in the street longer than us and I've been here 15 yrs now (hell, I just realised, we are the only ones here still from the people that were here when we shifted in!!!!  High turnover in 5 acre blocks LOL) and in all the time we've both been here I've never spoken to him more than a "Hi" at the letter boxes.... He came up the road on his little tractor with a bucket on it and dragged more than a few loads to the burn pile growing in the paddock now.  Had a really good chat with him actually, it was nice :)  And he helped Marcus out, bonus for him LOL.

So lots of little things happening to be grateful for.

Got New Years lined up in Golden Bay so that's cool.  Haven't yet sorted what we're doing going up North, the bloody Isuzu tow wagon is refusing to start nicely even with a brand new battery.  Might have to jump it and take it to work and test the alternator out, I don't honestly think a 2nd new battery is actually going to help...(it has 2 batteries). I want to take that wagon up north for 3 weeks, but it's old and hasn't been used for 2 yrs and the auto trans is slipping so I just don't trust it.... will hold off booking the ferry for all that just yet LOL.

And did I mention.... ONLY FIVE DAYS OF WORK LEFT!!!!!!!!  WOOOOOHOOOOOO!!!!!

Time to Reap What You Sow....

yep, had to get the hay in on Thursday LOL.  I have the BEST neighbours in the country I swear, they mow the shared drive that is mine, they even mow the road side grass (which is definitely mine!!!)  They lend me tools, they digs holes when I need to bury animals (to be fair, they do have a wee digger and I only have a spade!) they look after my critters when I shoot away, they are just awesome neighbours, gorgeous family, and on Thursday night while I'm dragging the 2nd load of hay in very slowly off the paddock thinking "shit, I've got another 6 loads to go, how the hell am I going to do this?!" they drive into the paddock and start loading their trailer with my hay and carting it back to my shed for me.  SOOOOOOO grateful cause there is just no way I would have gotten the 200 bales in all on my own in one night.

The horses got to spend a couple of nights out roaming the big paddock without an electric tape in sight, so good for the soul seeing them be able to kick up their heels and rampage around a big space like that.  Doesn't happen often enough when you're trying to protect every blade of grass so you have enough.

And now we have beautiful, glorious rain!!!!!  The paddock will sprout again, the horses are all off grazing round the corner cleaning out another fantastic friend's paddocks and my shed is full with a huge surplus to flick off and cover some costs.

So blessed with the people I have around me....